sometimes i impress myself

I'm about 2 weeks ahead of myself, but I can't effing help it! We are in the teeny tiny home stretch. 2 weeks. 2 weeks and we will have completely paid off ALL debts besides our mortgage. Yes, I'm still pissed that we got ourselves into the mess. My celebration does not, in any way, make me forget. I still feel stupid. But at the same time, I can be a little bit proud of my effort to fix the stupid. Not all of it was just living beyond our means. I had medical bills, home improvements, home emergency repairs, and vet bills in the mix, too. Regardless, I've been living with anxiety and self-embarrassment for many months.
In the last 5 months, I have paid off $12,000 in debts in the form of loans, credit cards, etc. No, not $1,200. $12,000. We have been working on it a lot longer, but the process was much slower prior to the beginning of surrogacy compensation. No, it's not a millionaire salary. It's not even anywhere near a livable salary. It is, however, a big deal when you have one income supporting a household of 5 people and 2 dogs. Anything extra is significant. I'm not kidding - I get giddy over a $10 check in the mail from completing a survey. The surrogacy has been a HUGE help in paying off debts, but I did NOT receive $12,000 in compensation in the last 5 months. Every single penny I did receive, went to these debt payments, but I was putting every penny I could from my husband's paychecks towards these payments all along - well before the surrogacy payments. I've never been stupid enough to think I would get anywhere paying the minimum, but you can't pay more than you have (isn't that the lesson to be learned here?).
I'm tickled with our efforts. I don't just pay the credit card bill minimum and then moan about how unfair it is. I knew what it was when I used it. I knew how much of a loan I was taking out when we decided we really did need windows that can open. I paid more than minimums. I paid every cent I could. I went over our budget every few weeks. I planned out how much to pay on which bill... determining which was smartest to pay the most towards first. I also, despite much argument from my husband, refused to take on unnecessary household costs while we still had those things to pay off. We still don't have cable. We still don't subscribe to movie services. I still don't have texting or a phone that wasn't free. I still don't go get my nails done. We still don't hire a babysitter and go out on dates. We still don't have a dining room table that doesn't wobble, or a couch that doesn't have plywood under certain cushions and springs falling out. I still make my pancakes from scratch instead of buying a mix that costs twice as much. My kids still aren't in any sports or clubs beyond what their school provides without charge. This is our mess. We made it, and we'll fix it. I won't jump to the conclusion that we can now afford to do whatever we want. Getting out of debt isn't the end of it.
We still need to build an emergency fund.
We still need more windows and doors.
We still want a dining room table that doesn't wobble and lean.
We still want to finish our kitchen cabinets so we can actually fit our tupperware and food in the kitchen, rather than the garage.
We still want a lot of things.
But we will NEED to be careful. Be smart. Be planning.
Planning for emergencies, for the future, and for this damn addition. The blue prints are being worked on now. Then comes the very scarey moment of obtaining an estimate. Obviously, that will be followed by careful planning. More careful than we were for all the smaller projects on this house. It's shitty to know the estimate amount may mean a lot more waiting than we would prefer to do, but we need to be smart. Yes, we could survive without an addition. It's not a need. But, it's something we agree on. We agree how much better life would be, and it's definitely cheaper than moving. If we want it, it's going to mean more saving, more debt, and more saying "no" to things that sure would be nice. We are 2 weeks away from completing the first, and huge, task on the list of pre-requisites. We cannot be in debt when we begin this addition. We won't be. We'll be paying everything in cash. We'll still be putting money into savings every week. And we'll be ahead on our mortgage. Damn does that feel good.

pick me up

It's been a rough couple weeks, in certain ways.

~Zane's behavior has been unbearable more often than not.
~I am having chronic headaches and a horrible pain in my neck. 
~We had a week long blow out with Chris' family.
~A bunch of important stuff in our house broke, all a week after signing up for $6,000 of repairs on other important stuff.

But, it's always been my style to find the positives, and there are plenty.

~Zane is really doing awesome in school.  I don't understand how in the world they don't have any behavior issues with him, but I haven't heard about a single one.  He was recently evaluated and literally scored the highest possible assessment on every part.
~The pain has gotten me back to the chiropractor after a year.  The financial impact is difficult to handle but I'm sure the health benefits are worth it.  I am also thankful that the baby, who may or may not be causing this, is healthy and growing.  Any side effect is worth the outcome of a baby!
~The fight with Chris' family reminds me how fortunate we are that we agree on the important issues.  It also makes me so grateful for a husband who takes his children's safety seriously, along with defending me as his partner.  I can't help but be happy about where our relationship has been and where we are now.
~The dead dryer led to us being on the receiving end of a very kind gesture.  That is always uplifting!

This is happening

Ok so I woke up today, sick as shit.  This is SO not me.
Today is a big day!  Today we leave for New York!  I should not have slept a wink last night.
Not sleeping the entire night before something fun, that is me.
Well, I am presently in what can be most nearly described as the zombie phase of pregnancy.  I am so beyond tired.  I finally stopped puking, but I'm still exhausted. 

All. The. Time.

Well, I slept.  Better than the night before, actually.  But I woke up nauseous.  Even mornings lately have been ok as long as I get some food in me sooner than later.  But, nope.  I walked down to the kitchen to start breakfast for all of us, in a hurry to get on the road towards Zane's school.  I ran right back up the stairs to puke instead of starting that toast.  Once I had my peanut butter toast in me and my belly calmed down, I noticed the bigger problem.  Massive headache.  Pain in my neck.  

This isn't good.

I need to be packing!  I need to be cleaning and doing laundry.  I need to be getting school with Summer done fast.  Apparently the universe had opposite plans than my own.  I couldn't do a thing.  We got back from dropping Zane off at school and I had to lay down.  Thank the good Lord my daughter is awesome with the baby.  Not like I leave a 6 year old completely in charge of his safety, but I can rest on the couch and know she won't get out tiny, dangerous toys.  She'll help him when he wants something or let me know if he's in trouble (or pooped).  I tried like hell to stretch my neck and then to just rest with closed eyes and wish the pain away.  No such luck.  During the entire time between dropping Zane off and having to go pick him up again, I didn't manage much more than putting one load of clothing in the washer, putting batteries in the charger, and wrapping a gift we need to take along on our trip.  Wow.  Talk about productive.  

Summer was starving and I couldn't bare the kitchen again.  3 times already I had gone in for something quickly and ended up racing up to the bathroom to vomit.  She hopefully requested BurgerKing so I grabbed us burgers and fries on the way to school.  It seems that actually helped my belly.  I do feel a little better.  Something about all that grease and sodium seems to calm my guts and take away my shakiness. 

So, here we are home.  My plans to head down to dads in time for dinner with him are out the window.  Jaxon needed a nap, and all 3 of the kids dressers are in the room where he is sleeping (hence my original plan of packing up their stuff while Summer played with him this morning).  I can't pack for them at all now until he wakes up.  For now, I better get to work on mine.

Despite the horrible start to this day - I am beyond excited!

Need I remind you what tomorrow is?

Jaxon Fucking Mraz.

Toca Fucking Rivera.

Acousitc.

Carnegie Fucking Hall.

I would repeat that.. but I got a lot of shit to do here.

It's icing on the cake that this turned into an awesome family trip to visit our best friend and her family.  I am truly freaking out a little.  I haven't seen my bestie in months.  Haven't seen her family for an entire year.  Sweet mother of pearl her mother's cooking.  And Thanksgiving no less!  It's going to be fabulous.  I'm going to be an exhausted train wreck, but an amazing 3 days are in our future.  Tonight will be late and tired and boring and rainy.  Tomorrow will be long and scarey and probably nauseous (first time on the train.. and into Manhattan the day before Thanksgiving.  phew!).  It will undoubtedly be the best concert experience of our lives.  Yes, I am aware of the huge expectations I am placing on Mr Jason but I happen to know he can handle it.  

Two favorite shows stand out.  First, the very first time we saw him.  It was a terribly awkward experience.  Chris and I were separated but still went to this show since we already had the tickets.  We had to go and spend the night in a shitty Atlantic City motel together.  We went to see Jewel in one of the casinos and Jason was the no-named opener.  We were SO impressed!  We bought the cd right there, which has never happened before.  We have been forever-since obsessed.  The 2nd stand-out was an anniversary surprise to me from Chris.  I didn't know where we were going, but he took me to a Denny's and then to a college.  I was wondering what the hell his problem was until I saw the signs.  Holy shit it's Jason!  He played this little community college auditorium and the show was fabulous.  Wasn't an acoustic show, actually.  He has his keyboards and brass band as well as parts of the show combined with the opening band and his buddy, Bushwalla.  Even the magician (ew!).  But, there was some acoustic at the end and it was simply incredible.  To see him so close again, and the feeling when he gets to certain parts of a song I already love - it's honestly like a religious experience.  I can't describe the feeling of hearing him belt out the climax of songs like Unfold, or Plane.  I'm not listening to anything but Woody Wookpecker in the back round but I have goosebumps right now.  No shit.  Just thinking about hearing him sing certain songs, in a tiny theater with nothing but his incredible voice and emotion - I'm seriously freaking myself out right now.  I kinda wanna go straight there and just sleep on the street to avoid any last minute disasters that could potentially ruin our night.  I don't know what to expect of Carnegie Hall except amazing, based on it's reputation.  It looks like our seats are 7 rows back from the stage.  It's not that we've never seen him up close.  We've to several GA shows where we eventually pushed ourselves up near the front... but, oh, how I prefer seating.... and the acoustics of a theater meant to display musical art.  This will be nothing less than incredible.  

Let's just hope I don't get light headed and ruin this one.

So, here I am.  I was hoping to be ready to go by now.  Instead I'm nursing my neck with a hot rice pack and praying the headache really is easing up.  Nothing is packed.  It's raining like a bitch so I have no interest in getting the van loaded up anyway.  The kitchen needs to be cleaned before we go but I'm afraid to go in there.  The laundry still needs finished so I can even pack.  Oh yeah, I need to pluck my eyebrows and my toenails need cut.  You know what?  I better get on that.  

Some things just can't be put off any longer.

this shouldn't be so hard

It's been several years since we've had 'extra' money coming in.  I say 'extra' but I don't believe 'extra' exists when you have any debts to pay off and no significant savings.  Sure, we have a little here and there for emergencies, but surely nothing that could save us in a major event... the reality is it couldn't even get us through a full month of bills and living expenses.  Damn, that makes me feel like an idiot.  God how I know better, but yet here we are. 
Anyway... I've now begun receiving my monthly checks from the surrogacy.  No, it isn't much, but it's huge to me.  This isn't even 'income' but it sure feels good to see a check with my name on it again.  It's been a few years.  When you're on a budget as tight as we are, and trying SO incredibly hard to better your situation, you jump up and down over finding 5 bucks you can add to a loan payment, let alone knowing you're going to get that check in the mail again for the next couple months.  Unfortunately we haven't been able to take full advantage of the 'windfall' yet.  I had hoped to have made immediate payments on debts in the full amount of the checks right from the start, but our household budget has pretty much been out of control since I started with the extreme nausea and fatigue.  We've not only eaten out WAY too much as a family.. but I've grabbed stuff on the go like crazy, which is normally NOT in our budget what-so-ever.  We take water bottles and snacks with us everywhere so we don't end up wasting that few bucks here and there all the time.  I also ended up buying convenience foods for the freezer because I haven't been able stand in the kitchen to cook without projectile vomiting... and random things at the grocery store that are normally considered luxury items and definitely not on my list.  I really blew that one when I bought myself a box of StarCrunch.  Apparently my poor husband has been deprived for the last 30 years, having never had one, and now is completely obsessed.  I'm finally closing in on what I think (hope, HOPE) is the end of this terrible phase of early pregnancy tummy troubles.. so now hopefully I can get back on my budget.  I need to get back to using the coupons, going to the store weekly to get the sale items we use, and cooking real food at home so I don't have to buy all this expensive, packaged, processed shit.  Of course, we also need to stop being lazy and hitting up the restaurants so often!  In the meantime.. I'm still making very respectable progress on the bills.  Our debts were already decreasing faster than most people can manage to pay down with TWO incomes and far less children than we have.  This phase is going to be a real morale boost to see it disappear even faster.
The downside:  this makes me so angry at myself.  We shouldn't even be in debt.  We are smarter than this.  This surrogacy money coming in would be a lot more fun if it weren't already allocated before it arrives.  How smart I would feel if we could just use some of it to make home improvements and put the rest into a savings account.  How fun it would be to book a vacation.  We're smart enough not to act on most of our wants because the first priority is living within our means.  The fact is, we're a family of 5 living on one income.  One regular-guy, non-colleged educated income.  The sooner we came to understand that the better.  So we do;  We understand.  It's been forced down our throat since the day we bought this house.  Mortgage payments were a lot easier when we had 2 paychecks and a house 1/2 this size (and not needing any repairs).  Of course that doesn't mean we don't still have wants...a whole truckload of them, if we're being honest. 
That tractor trailer makes it very hard to devise an intelligent plan.  Debt has always been the first priority.  Then again my husband is easily side tracked by the beautiful televisions at BJ's, his desire to stalk 311 around the world, and the issue of our children not having their own bedrooms.  His priorities are easily swayed.  We do agree on the bedrooms.  We want an addition.  WANT.  Want badly, but want none the less.  And, unfortunately even the full surrogacy compensation would not pay for it.  It means more debt.  MORE.  Ugh.  I'm not sure how long the addition will have to wait.  We knew from the start it was out of the question to embark on that before the previous home repairs have been paid off.  Recently I made the final call that it would just be stupid to add more house before we have finished fixing up the rest of it.  This basically means that there probably won't be any surrogacy money left to go towards the future addition. 
After making our debts disappear, replacing ancient doors, windows, and heaters, it's pretty much a guarantee that all of my hard earned comp will have disappeared as well.  So, when we've finally cleared the slate - do we jump right back in?  It surely doesn't seem like the smart thing to do.  I'm excited to see how much faster we can acquire savings once we are not sending so much of our regular monthly income out in payments.  Maybe it won't really be so long.  Maybe this surrogacy culminates in so much joy that we decide to do it again, thereby making it all the sooner we could save up for an addition.  Time, however is a factor here.  Every day that I wake up having to yell at Zane and kick him out of his own room for being loud while the baby is still trying to sleep in there... ugh how an extra bedroom would improve our daily lives right NOW.
My working a regular job to increase our income is basically out of the question.  Chris barely makes it home before bedtime most days.  I could never commit to be at a job on time because I never know when he is going to get out of work.  Maybe when they make a pill that renders sleep unnecessary... then I'll get a night job.  Clean, manage, feed, raise and teach kids all day... make the moolah all night.
Yeah, sounds fabulous.  For now, I think we'll just stick with living within our means.  Sorry hubs, but that means no fancy tv or cable in the foreseeable future. 
I just hope, though, that we can be smart about this.  I know I need to settle down on the food budget, and stand strong against the pleas for televisions.  The rest of it, though, is going to require long hard thought.  As soon as we decide on the important jobs to do, then it comes to nitpicking each item.  Where should we skimp to save cash, and where is it worth it to go with the best?  We started the ball rolling on a few projects already.  The architect has already been working on the plans for our addition.  That's the first step in finding out how much it's going to cost to get what we want.  I'm now working on estimates for replacing our 1970's baseboard heaters, in the name of energy efficiency and safety.  Yesterday I started the process of estimates on the last of our windows that need replaced, and a new front door.  These are just a few of the things we have been holding off on for 3 years due to the budget.  They all truly need done.  Another thing high on my list is the kitchen.  Last year I researched where we can order more of the custom cabinets & counters that are already here.  I desperately need (ok, fine!) want to add some more  to the empty side of the room.  We have food, appliances, and cooking tools in our garage because of the small amount of storage in the kitchen.  We also have one of those highly frustrating cabinets stuffed with way too much plastic ware that cascade down onto your head when you open the door.  On a smaller scale, it's also really dark.  I would love to have some new lighting installed in there.  See, how easily I start sneaking more wants in?

My purely splurge wish list is pretty small: 
I would love to get a new piece of jewelry for my nose - it's only been 8 years with the same one! 
I want a pair of Toms shoes (regardless of how ugly my husband thinks they are).
Getting a little larger....
So much aesthetic stuff for the house, starting with replacing the flooring in the bedrooms, remodeling the main bathroom, replacing every crappy brown luan hollow door, having someone who actually knows what they're doing choose colors and paint everything, and finally buying furniture we actually pick out new.
There are actual repairs that aren't urgent yet but I would love to take care of before we get there, like replacing the siding, the garage door, the washer and dryer, re-insulating, and installing solar.
I want to plan a trip for Chris and I.. be it a vacation, or following 311 or Jason Mraz somewhere awesome.
I would love to get a better elliptical machine and a new Bowflex.  This one... I would actually never do.  I bought my elliptical for dirt cheap on ebay because we couldn't afford a gym membership anymore and we had a baby.  The truth is, if I had the money, ongoing, I would much rather be able to join a gym with childcare than own a better machine myself.  I really enjoyed going to the gym and I think it would be super fun for the kids to go to one where they had the little kids gym to drop them off while I work out.
Another that would be ongoing would be to place the kids in classes.  We are so incredibly fortunate that the school provides for Summer to go to art classes.  She adores it, but some day (probably soon) when tax cuts cause them to nix that perk, we won't be able to take her anymore, and she will be crushed.  I've always wished it was within our means to place the kids in some kind of year round classes... be it art, dance, sports, music, whatever they were interested in. 
For the kids, again, I wish we could splurge on a Tempur Pedic for each of them.  We adore ours so much and I truly think it would be worth the investment for them.
And yes, damnit, I would honestly love to get my husband a nice TV.  The cable?  Nah, I'm happy without it.  We sit on our butts enough every night as it is.  But I won't argue that it wouldn't be nice to watch our dvd's on something a little prettier. 
There are so many things to consider.  I wish I could wipe all the wants from my mind.  I wish there weren't so many truly worthy home repairs on the list so we could just save it.  Nothing on that list would make me feel as good as having a very respectable emergency fund.

Bad mom alert

Ok, I'll just say it.

I don't give a shit about Halloween.

And I don't mean in the way I see that evidenced by most moms I know.  There are a handful who get just as, if not more, excited than their children about costumes and parties.  The majority, however, claim to be like me, and not care.  The difference however, is A:  they're lying.  or B: they're better moms than me.. because they pretend, and they do the Halloween thing anyway.

It's a miracle I got out the Halloween plastic tablecloth this year.  The better miracle is that my kids got totally excited about it - I'm the best mom ever cause I bought this plastic tablecloth on 75% clearance 5 years ago and finally ripped the damn thing out of the packaging!  The kids hang their own homemade decorations.  The only pumpkins we would have are the 4 miniatures that survived my debacle of a garden.  My sister did the dirty work of going to the pumpkin patch to buy them real pumpkins and decorating them with paint, etc one night while she was babysitting for us.  My grandmother bought Summer and Zane each one more with intentions of carving them at her house, but we couldn't make it that day.  SO, our pumpkins grace the front porch, sans carvings.

Bad mom. 

I get a little credit.  They probably wouldn't even go trick or treating at all if it were left up to daddy.  Granted, he enjoys stealing all of their hard-earned peanut butter cups, but there's always plenty of candy leftovers at work.

It's still the second laziest trick or treat tradition.  We go to my sister in laws house and take a short walk with them.  Usually we don't even make it around one full block.... depending how many houses have lights on and how long before someone gets tired.  We refuse to carry the bag for them or walk them the whole way to the door... and if they're cold we won't hesitate to suggest going back to the house.

Bad parents.

My oldest child of 3 is now 6 years old.  We have NEVER bought a Halloween costume.  I have NEVER spent any time putting together a Halloween costume at home.  So far our children are happy to just wear something out of the dress-up bin where we collect hand-me-down costumes and princess dresses received as gifts.  My amazing laziness will all be over when they are finally too big to have a dress-up bin.  What then? 

My mom always helped us make super fun homemade costumes.  We weren't allowed to just go buy one at the store.  It wasn't because she loved Halloween, though.  It was totally cheapness.  Well, and she was pretty damn creative, too.  She liked impressing people with her something-out-of-nothing skills.  It was fun, though.  I liked having something we did ourselves (no one else would be wearing the same fake-blood-oozing dead guy that they found hanging in a bag on the rack at KMart) and I was always impressed with her kooky ideas. 

So I'm wondering why it hasn't translated to me?  I'm super cheap!  I'm semi-creative!  I adore making something myself and sticking it to the proverbial 'man' who wants my money.  But alas, NO desire whatsoever to participate in Halloween.

I get a guilty thrill in hearing from all my mom friends about the 'fall parties' and 'harvest fests' and Halloween parades they got suckered into helping with at school.  Ok, a couple seem to actually want to help (and by the way, what the fuck is wrong with them?) but most are doing it out of a feeling of obligation.  I could not be one bit happier that my kids' school didn't have anything but a cute little story time of a Halloween-ish theme.  I didn't have to wasn't even allowed to participate!  They sent out plenty of information to announce parades in various areas of the state, but, thank the Lord, no requests for child-control volunteers... and no suggestions of treats to donate or restrictions on gory costumes.  Phew!  Cyber school was seriously made for me and all you other anti-social, anti-teamwork moms out there.  (Yes, I totally get that it's odd that I would rather spend multiple hours every single day of the week teaching and organizing and working on school than to send them off on the bus and possibly volunteer once a month for an event... but the truth is odd sometimes.  So be it.)

In conclusion:

Today is Halloween and I don't give a shit.

~

Why

I wonder sometimes why I'm so lucky. 

I wonder when the dump truck of shit will arrive in my life. 

It's not like everything is always easy.  It's not like anything is ever perfect.  But I have far more to be thankful for than I could possibly come up with complaints. 

Family truly is the most important thing to me and I have good reason to feel that way.  It might be hard to keep family high on your priority list if your tree is filled with rotten apples.  True, my sister and I might have hated each other for the majority of our early lives.  True, I thought my father was the meanest man in the world.  But, those things didn't last.  Turns out it's wonderful to have an older sister to plan my wedding for me and help us out when we really need some childcare   :)   It also turned out that I have more respect for the way my father parented me than I do for any other parent I know.  
I try hard every year to keep the focus of the holidays on our family.  True, I think ahead and want to avoid bratty spoiled children who expect piles of gifts every year.  But I also want them to have the same feeling I did every year on Christmas eve when we would finally see all of the cousins we hadn't seen since last year.  I want them to appreciate those few times when we are in a house FULL of family.  I know it's impossible to keep their attention away from gifts, but I hold out hope that the memories of bingo games and sharing meals will outweigh the short-lived joy of tearing wrapping paper. 
The family I was born into was pure luck.  I am eternally grateful for those that were placed in it with me.   Here's where I can take a little bit of pride:  My husband is the best family member I have ever chosen.  It's obvious that he is now my closest family member.  Before becoming a stay at home mom he was the person I spent the most hours with every day.  He's still the one I would choose to be with all hours of the day if that were possible.  We have a wonderful story, complete with rough spots and mountains to climb.  Each time I catch myself feeling guilty about something, or feeling particularly full of love for him, I am filled again with thanks that our paths led to each other...more than once.  This year is a leap year.  February 29, 1996 was the day Christopher the skater with the horrible long dyed hair and mismatching striped knee socks asked me to "go out with him".  16 years.  There is something to be said about having known someone, not only for many years, but known them as they have gone from child to adult.  This February 29 will be 16 years since we first began dating.  Incredible.  Incredible, at 30, to know this person so well.  To have the memories of passing notes through the bus window as it paused in front of the school.   To have been through the parts that were terrible and painful, and now on the other side.  To have someone I can trust to be everything I want and need.
In some ways I feel like we've earned this confidence we feel in each other and in our marriage.  There were some unquestionably ugly times in there, especially for Christopher growing up with the childhood he had and the serious healing that needed to be done.  In some ways I have regretted hanging out for those times.  There was a lot of hurt for me too and when I'm feeling defensive I will say that I should have walked away and just had faith that we would have ended up together no matter what.  Truth is, there was probably a lot of lessons for me in his struggles.  His problems were some I had never known in my own life.  Being there through the worst parts not only taught me compassion for other people's life stories, but I hoped that it would show him he could trust me and my commitment.  In reality, we were too young to worry about commitment... but you can't beat that into the heads of 2 teenagers in love.  Those are the other ways, the ones I never regretted.  Even when the problems became too large for us to keep it together... I knew.  I continued on with my life as it were, but never once did I believe that we, as this thing, this family we already were in just the two of us, was gone.  I thank God every day that my intuition was spot on. 

I started this post in thinking about the addition we are planning on our home.  I began feeling nerves that we are being too greedy.  I wonder if we're doing the right thing, by reaching for all that we want.  Should we just be thankful for and happy with what we have?  We do have so much to be thankful for.  The addition is about our family.  Daddy wants the kids to have their own bedroom.  Mommy wants a space that will make continuing with cyber school more comfortable and plausible for the long term.  Again, so much to be thankful for.  We've got a safe home to live in and 3 amazing children to fit into it.  It all leads back to the thing I am most thankful for:  This beautiful crazy family. 

for real?

Last weekend we went to a football game at our old high school.  I was at every single game of my 4 years in high school, playing piccolo in the marching band.  This was the first time back since graduation.  It was totally spur of the moment, too.  Summer and I had a conversation about marching bands after she was playing musical instruments with Jaxon.  It came about that she didn't realize marching bands were more than a game we play at home - she didn't realize there is such a thing in real life?  She asks where we would find one and I told her, a parade, or a football game.  So it came to be that our old school happened to have a game that night, and Daddy happened to come home from work with Zane a little early for the first time in months.  We decided to go check it out!
I was really surprised they enjoyed it.  Especially because we were late to the game, not knowing it was homecoming, and couldn't get a seat.  We stood by the fence the entire game.  It may have actually worked to our advantage in containing the kids.  They stared at the cheerleaders right in front of us, and the Eagle mascot came over to talk to them several times.  Summer spent quite some time watching each cheerleader so she could choose her favorite.
At half time the visiting team's band performed their show.  As they set up the color guard flags caught Summer's attention.  In explaining what the flags were, I explained that her cousin (actually my cousin) is in the color guard for her school's marching band.  Intrigue lit up her face.  I promised her that if she enjoyed the game and they behaved, we could go to one of their games and watch her. 
"Our" schools band played after the game.  I couldn't believe the kids stood, happily, through an entire football game (which they couldn't really see since the lined up bench-team was so huge and completely blocked the view of the field).  It was chilly, too!  We finally got to take a seat in the stands when our band got up to get ready for their show.  All 3 kids actually paid attention to the whole show.  All along I thought Summer was watching the color guard most closely....
Turns out she was watching the drums most of all.  Today she told me she is going to grow up to be me.  She will be just like mommy because she wants to be in the marching band and then have a baby like I did.  I asked what she would do in the marching band, assuming she would say use the flags, while secretly hoping she would remember all the times we have told her that I could teach her to play the flute.... nope.  Neither.  Drums.  She wants to carry the big drum that you 'hook on your belly' (bass drum). 
Can you believe that?